Hahaha, its been such a long time since i used this tumblr account. So much has changed, in me. Things are pretty much the same though. but, being away from people and retreat really changed me. God has really made a difference in my life. I used to call myself a “Christian”. but really, all it was, was me going to church thinking that was enough to be a Christian. noo, its so much more than that. Its truly believing and changing yourself to be like Jesus. I never thought I had heard God but, Pastor Derek taught me that God speaks in a lot of ways, in special ways to each person. I was expecting a voice, but turns out he speaks in soo many different ways like, dreams, visions, thoughts/feelings, logic ideas, mathematical, analyzing, open/close doors, and so much more. And whenever something bad would happen i would blame God. but turns out when you are in pain, he is present - right there by your side, grieving - it pains him too, and working - planning your resurrection. good will come out of that moment because God has a plan to make good come from it. you just have to follow the right path for the good to come. Theres so much more to it, and I hope any of my followers will ask me if they ever have questions and i’ll try to answer. but, God has made a big difference in my life. Those who are having suicidal thoughts, think they’re not good enough, stuff like that, God loves you, no matter what. He created you with his own hands, because you’re that special. Those who think he doesnt exist, think of the times when you had a feeling that something is bad or wrong to do, but you cant explain why, in simpler words - your conscience. that is God! and every day he fights for you, for your love, he wants it all. Thats why Christians have sex after marriage, because God does want you to have sex, but its to make children, to glorify him even more. now, if you think thats selfish, its truly not because God knows you better than you know yourself so his plan for you is actually for the better of you. We all should end up in hell. but he made it so its our choice in where we go. Agh, thats all i have right now. I hope that this will change peoples lives… ask me anything if you need help! love you lots followers!

Just tired of everything. Tired of trying to help my friend not be depressed. Tired of the pressure to be the perfect daughter my parents want me to be. Tired of school. Tired of drama. Tired of being a second choice. Just tired of everything.

I’m really stressed right now. The two closest people I got to know this year, are apparently not going to be here next year. Even though when she got back from her vaca, (e) wasn’t the same as the fun, carefree, exciting best friend i loved before, i still love her a lot. And, I know that I’m not her #1 bestfriend like I used to be, and I’m not the person she goes to first when she’s having troubles anymore, but I know that I still have a place in her heart. And the person I grew more close to when (e) went away, was (m). She and I became super close, as close as (e) and I were. But, yeah… its the same with her. I became less important with new people coming into her life. Now, I feel like a second choice to everyone. I really hate it. This is one of my top reasons for wanting a boyfriend. Someone to be there who I can hug, talk to about anything esp. stuff like this, and also have fun with. Because, I know that if I meet a guy like that I know that i’ll be #1 to them.

i dont even know who my true friends are anymore. i just want to start life over somewhere other than here. I wish i lived in like… california or australia or like fuji. just… somewhere away from these people.

but the tears won’t come.

I’m smiling to hide my pain. And i dont know why. Theres nothing wrong… except that i feel like my bff’s replaced me. what did i do wrong?

My bff (e) and i aren’t as close as I thought we were… she changed a lot since the beginning of the school year, and i dont even know why. and she won’t even tell me why >< asdfghjkl;

I think that for all my life, I’ve been searching for God. Maybe not everyday, but i definitely have always wanted to know that God is up there watching me, loving me, and accepting me, having a plan ready for me.  And I would go to church, pray, but maybe not get fully into it, but i have always tried, maybe not my hardest but i have. this year, i started going to a great church. everyone there is friendly, its very spiritual, but i just can’t feel God’s presence like others do. I believe in God, but theres a part of me where I’m just not fully connected to him. And i know that i truly believe in him and im not doing it just for show at church, because i often pray when no ones looking. i keep trying, and trying, and trying. and i think, that the reason why God isnt just putting himself out there to me, is because im not trying hard enough. Do I pray? yeah. do i go to church? yeah. do i read the bible? no. do i do QT? i just started… so i think i just have to try harder. God, here I come!

soo… (j) really does like (m). i think im really jealous. like… why cant i be as pretty as her? why cant i be her?

so, my friend (m) suddenly goes, ‘omg, (j) might like me…’ and i believe it… and i dont know how i feel about it. jealous? happy? dont feel anything at all? whatever? i dont know! and i dont know how i should be feeling…